Good Day Peons!
What a fortnight it has been in merry Mordor and Gay Gondor! [Sorry
Imrahil]. There was much excitement at dingy old Minas Morgul where
the freeps arrived for a long overdue cleaning mission. And how well
they did, in a close run battle between many thousands of troops,
they cleared the joint out, forcing Murazor to take the high road to
Gundabad and the welcoming arms of his many She-Goblin Wives. Pity he
is a man of no substance! However the Freep armies were greatly
depleted and are of little consequence now. BOROMIR quite lost his
head...but how does one run backwrds into a garrotte anyway? For the
Darks ROGROG slipped coming out of the shower when he heard the
battle call and broke his neck. ASHBURGNUL and ANGLACH, drunk as
Lords, in the midst of a poker game of high stakes [reputedly a
Palantir, Nallagurth and a mage artifact of great power were on the
table] were interupted by ADRAHIL the Seaman Lover and never
recovered from a fit of laughter until they were placed in shackles.
The battering rams moved in and levelled the dread[fully smelly]
tower to make way for ECTHELIONS chariot park. It is not known if
BOROMIR`s remains are in the foundations as punishment for failing
the family firm!
Elsewhere, small armies continue to throw themselves a the walls of
Dol Guldor. Amusing for a while, but tiresome after the first few
hundred mutant Woodmen have perished. And they are starting to smell.
Still in a week or so they`ll begin to attract dragons...TURIN the
Sinda captain was relieved of his life by a mystery agent...hmmm, i
wonder if the Freep cryptographers could work that one out...
There seems to be a party going on at Erebor, it`s all very exciting,
i don`t want to mention too many names, but rumour has it that old
Half-Breed El-Drone has been lurking in the caves wearing his best
scare-the-kiddies mack and flashing unsuspecting tourists! One hopes
that Smaug doesn`t eat him...he`d only choke on that scrawny Elf-
frame. Dwarves are much tastier.
The good people of Goblins Gate got fed-up of GLORFINDEL begging them
to surrender so he could "impress his master and get promoted ahead
of that Erestor toadie" and started throwing rotten fruit at the
idler. When a particularly smelly tomato stained his cloak the Elf
Commander took a huff and withdrew his retinue immediately. He was
last seen looking for a decent Sinda Dry Cleaners. Goblin Gate
remains a haven of our Omnipotent Leader SAURON!
Forces of the brave elves [oxymoron anyone?] keep trying to harass
the peacable mountain folk of Mordor in the misties. this week the
Valiant LEGOLAS gave up his dream of an amusement park built from
brightly coloured bricks and named in his honour and arrived at Lag-
Lach to burn it. Oh, the Silvan wenches will be swooning at his
bravery! What does BAIRANAX think of him though?
UVATHA`s nation continues to lead the way in bringing the Glory of
the 3000 year Empire to the outlands. This fortnight they routed a
force of Horse-Worriers in the eaves of Mirkwood and killed the Chief
fornicator ELFHELM for his unnatural ways! At DILGUL, HARGROG`s
cavalry wiped out armies of Dwarves [under head-stumpmeister THORIN]
and Northmen [SWITHWULF] before torching the stinky-dock town. This
week another Dwarven army has appeared to try it`s luck there.
From the neutrals there has been very little news, except from the
enigmatic seafarers of Umbar, who seem to have not only admirers but
copyists. Or schizophrenia. Still we like that, he`s welcome to hop
[ahem] aboard SAURON`s ship and SANGARUNYA will fit right in with the
rest of the rational, well-balanced NAZGUL! Of course all neutrals
are welcome at the bargaining table in BARAD-DUR and we`ll find rings
for all the leaders who want to join our merry band of reprobates and
truth spreaders.
I`ll bring you more news next week, if i live through these perilous
times...who`s that in the shadows...oh what a cute little
halfling..wait put that glowing sword down you don`t know where it`s
been...
MURMUR of Durthang