HAIL SERVANTS OF DARKNESS!
Firstly,
A STATEMENT ON BEHALF OF THE DEPT OF RACIAL IDENTITY, BARAD-DUR:
"During his many years of exile, first in the void, then in his
forest realm at Dol Guldor, THE LEADER spent his time fruitfully
formulating his plan for MORDORIAN SUPREMACY and encapsulated his
thoughts in the Holy Tome; "MY STRUGGLE". In this work of genius,
SAURON the Ring Lord, set out his rules of RACIAL CATEGORISATION, THE
NEED FOR LIVING SPACE for his Mordorian adherents, the Orcish Nation,
his PLAN FOR FULL EMPLOYMENT and the much antipated return to
dominance of the 3000 YEAR EMPIRE of which he was to be it`s one
figurehead. When the "Free Peoples" under the spell of Wizards and
the Elven Conspiracy attacked his homeland it merely hastened
rearmament and the struggle for Mordorian Supremacy. She-Orcs were
returned to run the homes of their broods and the Orcish males once
more became central to the success of their Nation. Full Employment
in armaments and War Industries was achieved. This only left the need
for LIVING SPACE for our growing numbers,who have been forced to till
the barren lands of Mordor whilst rich elves and men enjoy the
fruitful fields of the West. Therefore to bring all the strands of
his theory of RACIAL SUPREMACY together THE LEADER has dictated that
no nation shall interbreed with racially pure orcs, those who do, be
they Free Peoples, "Neutrals" or Dark Servants will be declared as
enemies of the 3000 YEAR EMPIRE and SAURON himself. It has come to
our attention that there is a half-breed, the so-called Uruk-Hai,
being bred somehere in Middle-Earth. These have been categorized as
unclean and shall be dealt with as Men, Elves or Dwarves; they shall
be Warg-fodder! The Western Lands are to be colonized by good, clean
Orc Families and there shall be Strength Through Beauty. My Lord REN
has been placed in charge of the Beautification Programme of the
EMPIRE. JI-INDUR has been charged with the elimination of the
racially impure. Certain peoples will be repatriated to their so-
called undying lands to the west, but let it be known from now on
that ALL of Middle-Earth is to be reserved for the ORCISH-MORDORIAN
racially pure!"
URZAHIL, Dept of Information.
Well, that seems pretty clear, doesn`t it? All a little bit serious,
though, huh? Let me lighten the mood with tales of wonder, joy and
heroism from around THE LEADER`S vast realm;
DIRTY DEEDS DONE CHEAP;
Let me tell you tales from the Mirkwood Campaign that, despite FREEP
rhetoric, bombast and outright lies, is going ever so well for the
DARK SERVANTS! The big news is the fall of the Woodmen capital to the
emmisaries of MURAZOR, The Witch-King. The second Woodmen Major Town
to fall in 3 weeks. What a calamity! What a piece of atrocious
strategy by the Inbred bear-felchers! Perhaps they should have had
guards or armies of something at their capital [you can`t count
WAULFA, who was dispatched by agents there this week] instead of
swanning around Mirkwood and Morannon[?!? what the **** was that
about?] with steel clad armies? Don`t you think? BRAEGA made it back
in time to his [former] capital to celebrate his own funeral. We told
you of his adventures last week? His commander BEORABORN decided to
watch the Sinda take on Dol Guldor on his their own, BEORABORN was
killed and BRAEGA led his 600 troops away to safety. This left the
Sinda outnumbered, TATHAR was captured and BRAEGA has no way to get
home in time. But worse was to follow. The plan HAD BEEN, obviously
to enlist South Gondors help in influencing away DOL GULDOR from the
Dragon Lord. IMRAHIL AND LOTHIRIEL were there to help facillitate
this...but the battle was lost [thanks BEORN and Co!] they could not
INFOTHR, they were left at 2715 and, caught by two of our finest
agents! Woo and Hoo [these may or may not be their actual names]. Are
you following this? That`s 3 FP characters dead and one captured, 2
major towns lost and ALL down to Woodmen incompetence! Would you want
someone so bright at YOUR War Cabinet? And that`s just the story so
far...2609, the formerly hidden Woodmen village also fell to DURAN of
the Dragon Lords nation, he moved east and met a motley crew of
Silvan`s under the command of OHTAR at 2709. Should be fun to see
what happens next week. At 2508 GLORFINDEL for once decided to put up
a fight, being as he was trapped between BOLG`s and BELPHEGOR`s
armies he didn`t have much of a choice! His rag-tag bunch of dandies
were wiped out at the new Witch King MT, and lo and behold!!!! Yet
another DS agents slit the long, girly throat of the latest in the
line of NOLDO leaders! Who`s up next? CIRDAN? bring it on! Glorfindel
squealed like a piggy to be let off the hook. He did have a pretty
mouth, but our agent was not of that persuasion and was sickened by
the blonde elf`s foppish manner and elaborate make-up. He begged to
at least make peace with his loved ones and we allowed him to write
one last letter to his unrequited love a certain A.ELESSAR. We`ve
never heard of them...And that is pretty much that for Mirkwood. Just
gets better and better!
THE EASTERN FRONT;
The northmen continue to probe our backdoor. But that`s enough of
that unpleasant subject. We shall ignore them.
MORANNON WELCOMES VISITORS;
For some reason, the treacherous Rhun Easterlings [look out free
people, hide your treasure chests when you have HUZ round for
dinner!] decided to collude with the comic act that is BENEORACER`s
well-armoured cavalry in a joint attack on Morannon. HURDRIAK`s
cavalry helped defeat the infantry of GOTHMOG here, but their paltry
band cannot damage our front door defences! Later it was discovered
that Rhun had sent money to the Woodmen. Surely, it is the John that
has to pay and not the wh*re? Oh, well, the Mirkwood Orphans Fund
enjoyed their daytrip to the new themepark that has risen at
MAETHELBURG recently, thanks to the proceeds of the ill-advised gold
transfer. They even got to play "Poke the dead elf with a stick", a
most popular attraction, despite the smell of the rotting carcasses
of El-Drone and Glorthimble [as he was known in certain bars at the
dockside in the Grey Havens]. Another battle is expected to ensue
there this week. Just go away troublesome menfolk, you are hardly
worth bothering with!
"E" BY GLOOM!
The continued curse of the "E"othraim has fallen on another of the
Rohirrim`s Horselords! This week EOMUND son of THEODEN was slain
after the battle at 3022 by my good self, MURMUR of DURTHANG. i can
hardly deny it, so i may as well glory in my second notch on the old
poisoned dagger. He keeps good company with LINDAL i guess. I was
trying to stick to Elves [no pun intended] as i find men a bit smelly
and offensive, but what can you do when such an easy opportunity
presents itself? Since EOMUND had the cheek to challenge such a
refined lady as myself, i can only assume that i am being tracked.
what an honour! So you need not trouble me with PC`s as i ALWAYS
refuse, on the principle that i don`t think anyone good enough to
bother with. Perhaps you could send one of your superior agents after
me, like............hmmmm, er, whatdoyacallhim....thingy.
As you remember i said after the battle at 3022 where the kindly
dragon KHUZADREPA helped MURANOG wipe out the offending horse-lovers.
The whereabouts of ELFHILD and EOWYN are not known as yet [i`d bet
chained to the kitchen sink if i read the manners of Rohirrim menfolk
right]. There is no knowledge if the rumour that Eowyn goes by the
name of DERNHELM to escape "The Curse" or if it is merely part of her
alternative lifestyle! However the local magistrates have never been
busier in deed-poll cases.
OSGILIATH:
Huge numbers of Gondorian Scum have washed up on the banks of the
eastern Anduin, we are trying to thin out their numbers, but the help
of a dragon or two may be needed to relieve us of their presence;in a
poignant day for the House Of Gondor the Steward ECTHELION was
assassinated and ADRAHIL escaped death by a whisker. The Stewardship
has now passed, we assume to DENETHOR with his only surviving son
FARAMIR waiting in the wings in case of any mental relapse on the
behalf of his father. DENETHOR, you may not remember, was a teenage
pyromaniac, famed for setting light to the records hall at Minas
Tirith and for his love of the smell of oil products. The recent
deaths of his father and son may push him back into the arms of lady
flame once more. watch this space...
WESTERN GONDOR:
In our future farmlands ARANTAR of South Gondor destroyed a Quiet
Avenger army of ASHTURG`s and killed the unfortunate commander in the
process. What, you want more detail? A witty story?
The once was an Elf called Glorfindel
He remained resolutely single...
Oh, i can`t be bothered...as a competition you can complete it
yourselves!
THE "MIGHTY" SEA-LORDS:
ICARIAN bearing the new "salmon-pink" banner of UMBAR, depicting a
pirate riding a camel weighed down by jewel-encrusted saddlebags,
arrived at the Quiet Avengers capital this week. Perhaps they have
come to ask for training in seafaring or mumakhil riding? We have no
one there to welcome them. No agents, armies, cursers or anything.
Honest. Would i lie to you? They should have sent a messenger ahead
to let us know they were coming, we coulda had a fiesta on their
behalf. Some people, no consideration.
"NEUTRAL" WATCH:
The 3000 YEAR EMPIRE will declare WAR on any nation who harbours
thieves against the REICH, er, i mean EMPIRE. We shall not stand for
it. You are not neutral anymore. You have never sought our aid or
come to us openly. You take the elven gold with one hand and steal
from us with the other. It is cowardice of the lowest sort. We don`t
want you. Treat with the Freeps. Lowlifes.
SCOREBOARD:
FREEPS [12 nations]
DEAD--20
HOSTAGE--4
DARKS [9 nations]
DEAD--5
HOSTAGE--1
thanks to Glorfindel for releasing BALKHMOG!
Do you still want to count pop.levels into the equation?
MURMUR of DURTHANG.