I hope this conforms to all the rules of posting, i just thought i`d use this new medium in my quest to humiliate the supposedly superior Freep Team of G238:
The Lidless Eye, Issue 9.
HAIL SERVANTS OF DARKNESS!
Firstly,
A STATEMENT ON BEHALF OF THE DEPT OF RACIAL IDENTITY, BARAD-DUR:
“During his many years of exile, first in the void, then in his forest realm at Dol Guldor, THE LEADER spent his time fruitfully formulating his plan for MORDORIAN SUPREMACY and encapsulated his thoughts in the Holy Tome; “MY STRUGGLE”. In this work of genius, SAURON the Ring Lord, set out his rules of RACIAL CATEGORISATION, THE NEED FOR LIVING SPACE for his Mordorian adherents, the Orcish Nation, his PLAN FOR FULL EMPLOYMENT and the much antipated return to dominance of the 3000 YEAR EMPIRE of which he was to be it`s one figurehead. When the “Free Peoples” under the spell of Wizards and the Elven Conspiracy attacked his homeland it merely hastened rearmament and the struggle for Mordorian Supremacy. She-Orcs were returned to run the homes of their broods and the Orcish males once more became central to the success of their Nation. Full Employment in armaments and War Industries was achieved. This only left the need for LIVING SPACE for our growing numbers,who have been forced to till the barren lands of Mordor whilst rich elves and men enjoy the fruitful fields of the West. Therefore to bring all the strands of his theory of RACIAL SUPREMACY together THE LEADER has dictated that no nation shall interbreed with racially pure orcs, those who do, be they Free Peoples, “Neutrals” or Dark Servants will be declared as enemies of the 3000 YEAR EMPIRE and SAURON himself. It has come to our attention that there is a half-breed, the so-called Uruk-Hai, being bred somehere in Middle-Earth. These have been categorized as unclean and shall be dealt with as Men, Elves or Dwarves; they shall be Warg-fodder! The Western Lands are to be colonized by good, clean Orc Families and there shall be Strength Through Beauty. My Lord REN has been placed in charge of the Beautification Programme of the EMPIRE. JI-INDUR has been charged with the elimination of the racially impure. Certain peoples will be repatriated to their so-called undying lands to the west, but let it be known from now on that ALL of Middle-Earth is to be reserved for the ORCISH-MORDORIAN racially pure!”
URZAHIL, Dept of Information.
Well, that seems pretty clear, doesnt it? All a little bit serious, though, huh? Let me lighten the mood with tales of wonder, joy and heroism from around THE LEADERS vast realm;
DIRTY DEEDS DONE CHEAP;
Let me tell you tales from the Mirkwood Campaign that, despite FREEP rhetoric, bombast and outright lies, is going ever so well for the DARK SERVANTS! The big news is the fall of the Woodmen capital to the emmisaries of MURAZOR, The Witch-King. The second Woodmen Major Town to fall in 3 weeks. What a calamity! What a piece of atrocious strategy by the Inbred bear-felchers! Perhaps they should have had guards or armies of something at their capital [you cant count WAULFA, who was dispatched by agents there this week] instead of swanning around Mirkwood and Morannon[?!? what the **** was that about?] with steel clad armies? Dont you think? BRAEGA made it back in time to his [former] capital to celebrate his own funeral. We told you of his adventures last week? His commander BEORABORN decided to watch the Sinda take on Dol Guldor on his their own, BEORABORN was killed and BRAEGA led his 600 troops away to safety. This left the Sinda outnumbered, TATHAR was captured and BRAEGA had no way to get home in time. But worse was to follow; The plan HAD BEEN, obviously, to enlist South Gondors help in influencing away DOL GULDOR from the Dragon Lord. IMRAHIL AND LOTHIRIEL were there to help facillitate this…but the battle was lost [thanks BEORN and Co!] they could not INFOTHR, they were left at 2715 and, caught by two of our finest agents! Woo and Hoo [these may or may not be their actual names]. Are you following this? Thats 3 FP characters dead and one captured, 2 major towns lost and ALL down to Woodmen incompetence! Would you want someone so bright at YOUR War Cabinet? And thats just the story so far…2609, the formerly hidden Woodmen village also fell to DURAN of the Dragon Lords nation, he moved east and met a motley crew of Silvans under the command of OHTAR at 2709. Should be fun to see what happens next week. At 2508 GLORFINDEL for once decided to put up a fight, being as he was trapped between BOLGs and BELPHEGORs armies he didnt have much of a choice! His rag-tag bunch of dandies were wiped out at the new Witch King MT, and lo and behold!!! Yet another DS agents slit the long, girly throat of the latest in the line of NOLDO leaders! Whos up next? CIRDAN? bring it on! Glorfindel squealed like a piggy to be let off the hook. He did have a pretty mouth, but our agent was not of that persuasion and was sickened by the blonde elfs foppish manner and elaborate make-up. He begged to at least make peace with his loved ones and we allowed him to write one last letter to his unrequited love a certain A.ELESSAR. We`ve never heard of them…And that is pretty much that for Mirkwood. Just get better and better!
THE EASTERN FRONT;
The northmen continue to probe our backdoor. But that`s enough of that unpleasant subject. We shall ignore them.
MORANNON WELCOMES VISITORS;
For some reason, the treacherous Rhun Easterlings [look out free people, hide your treasure chests when you have HUZ round for dinner!] decided to collude with the comic act that is BENEORACERs well-armoured cavalry in a joint attack on Morannon. HURDRIAKs cavalry helped defeat the infantry of GOTHMOG here, but their paltry band cannot damage our front door defences! Later it was discovered that Rhun had sent money to the Woodmen. Surely, it is the John that has to pay and not the wh*re? Oh, well, the Mirkwood Orphans Fund enjoyed their daytrip to the new themepark that has risen at MAETHELBURG recently, thanks to the proceeds of the ill-advised gold transfer. They even got to play “Poke the dead elf with a stick”, a most popular attraction, despite the smell of the rotting carcasses of El-Drone and Glorthimble [as he was known in certain bars at the dockside in the Grey Havens]. Another battle is expected to ensue there this week. Just go away troublesome menfolk, you are hardly worth bothering with!
“E” BY GLOOM!
The continued curse of the "E"othraim has fallen on another of the Rohirrims Horselords! This week EOMUND son of THEODEN was slain after the battle at 3022 by my good self, MURMUR of DURTHANG. i can hardly deny it, so i may as well glory in my second notch on the old poisoned dagger. He keeps good company with LINDAL i guess. I was trying to stick to Elves [no pun intended] as i find men a bit smelly and offensive, but what can you do when such an easy opportunity presents itself? Since EOMUND had the cheek to challenge such a refined lady as myself, i can only assume that i am being tracked. what an honour! So you need not trouble me with PCs as i ALWAYS refuse, on the principle that i dont think anyone good enough to bother with. Perhaps you could send one of your superior agents after me, like............hmmmm, er, whatdoyacallhim....thingy. As you remember i said after the battle at 3022 where the kindly dragon KHUZADREPA helped MURANOG wipe out the offending horse-lovers. The whereabouts of ELFHILD and EOWYN are not known as yet [id bet chained to the kitchen sink if i read the manners of Rohirrim menfolk right]. There is no knowledge if the rumour that Eowyn goes by the name of DERNHELM to escape “The Curse” or if it is merely part of her alternative lifestyle! However the local magistrates have never been busier in deed-poll cases.
OSGILIATH:
Huge numbers of Gondorian Scum have washed up on the banks of the eastern Anduin, we are trying to thin out their numbers, but the help of a dragon or two may be needed to relieve us of their presence;in a poignant day for the House Of Gondor the Steward ECTHELION was assassinated and ADRAHIL escaped death by a whisker. The Stewardship has now passed, we assume to DENETHOR with his only surviving son FARAMIR waiting in the wings in case of any mental relapse on the behalf of his father. DENETHOR, you may not remember, was a teenage pyromaniac, famed for setting light to the records hall at Minas Tirith and for his love of the smell of oil products. The recent deaths of his father and son may push him back into the arms of lady flame once more. watch this space…
WESTERN GONDOR:
In our future farmlands ARANTAR of South Gondor destroyed a Quiet Avenger army of ASHTURGs and killed the unfortunate commander in the process. What, you want more detail? A witty story? The once was an Elf called Glorfindel He remained resolutely single... Oh, i cant be bothered…as a competition you can complete it yourselves!
THE “MIGHTY” SEA-LORDS:
ICARIAN bearing the new “salmon-pink” banner of UMBAR, depicting a pirate riding a camel weighed down by jewel-encrusted saddlebags, arrived at the Quiet Avengers capital this week. Perhaps they have come to ask for training in seafaring or mumakhil riding? We have no one there to welcome them. No agents, armies, cursers or anything. Honest. Would i lie to you? They should have sent a messenger ahead to let us know they were coming, we coulda had a fiesta on their behalf. Some people, no consideration.
“NEUTRAL” WATCH:
The 3000 YEAR EMPIRE will declare WAR on any nation who harbours thieves against the REICH, er, i mean EMPIRE. We shall not stand for it. You are not neutral anymore. You have never sought our aid or come to us openly. You take the elven gold with one hand and steal from us with the other. It is cowardice of the lowest sort. We don`t want you. Treat with the Freeps. Lowlifes.
SCOREBOARD:
FREEPS [12 nations]
DEAD–20
HOSTAGE–4
DARKS [9 nations]
DEAD–5
HOSTAGE–1
thanks to Glorfindel for releasing BALKHMOG!
Do you still want to count pop.levels into the equation?
MURMUR of DURTHANG.