Well DranoB…
So THAT was who that trollop belonged to! I found her alongside the road waiving a red latern at all the Orcs marching by. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me to get lost. Well… Being the wife of Sauron doesn’t make me one of the most tolerant people, so I decided right there and then that she was only fit to stuff things into (I mean, like bricks and stuff). And VIOLA, the Handbag!!!
Khamulia
Ah, so THIS is the Forum.
Ren would like to thank the Free for their cooperation. He was touched and honoured by their generosity in handing over Minas Ithil unopposed so early in the game.
We are glad to be able to report that the folk of the Ithil pass are propsering; North Gondor has generously supplied a constant stream of slaves for our arenas and industry as one commander after another came along and give up the ghost. And now you send us more.
North Gondor have surpassed themselves once again again with this weeks entertainment at Osgiliath. As you know, the Ithil pass makes a vast and natural arena. But even so, the best seats are already sold out.
Our survey team last week was heartened and gratified by the welcome of the good folk of Osgiliath, who generously supplied wine and beer in plenty. The women of the town were most accomodating, and there was much talk of the new prospects once we take over administration.
In a spirit of gratitude and teamwork,
Ren the Unclean
<< Hurriedly enters Forum & strides purposefully to the podium, notes that the soapbox has been well used of late >>
My dear gathered adversaries. Please let me assure you that neither riches nor Elrond drives the desire by all that stand free to see the lands of Middle Earth free from the enslavement of Sauron. I ask you, can you pull that ring from your finger? NO!! is the answer, you all desired that tiny baubble & look what it got you! Immortality & a lowered wage scale!!! What benefits are those? Now here at last war is once again waged & we, the free loving people, shall insure a proper rest for each & every Nazgul. Look how peacefull Hoarmurath is now. His blessedly still form lying beneath the warm sun once again, until what little remains has past into memory forever.
Now, as far as the reason my daughter had taken to adventuring & ran a foul of the abomination Murazor was she still beleived the fair lands of Angmar to be unblemished. Now alas, the horse’s mouth has revealed the truth of her undoing. Khamulia, it is with a heavy heart that the people of Arthedain ask for a return of their true princess in whatever form she now possesses & we shall be swift in our justice upon the maker of the Dread Handbag of Doom, his vassels & those that hide in closed spaces coveting such items or the pain/pleasure inflicted by such. A mutual meeting point I’m sure can be arranged. Or perhaps I shall visit soon at Dol Gulder as soon as I am finished here conquer…errrr liberating Angmar in the name of the Free People.
Lastly, a warm welcome to our new arrival Ren, who kindly brings news of war from his arena. Ren , I ask, why such a high price to enter for your pleasure? Speak to Khamulia & you shall see, the leaders of Arthedain are just dying to fight!!
In closing, I shall once again proclaim the glories of the People of the Free Lands & denounce the darkness of Sauron.
I return to the war, what little remains here in the NW. I shall ride shortly to help liberate Mordor as well!!
Argeleb of Arthedain
Hmm. The leaders of Atherdain. Weren’t they the ones we saw running away on the far horizon? Of course, at that distance, it’s hard to tell. Mostly hidden by dust, in truth.
But truth be told, while the gladiators of Gondor provide excellent entertainment as they die for our pleasure, it WOULD be nice for some other tribes to enter the arena. Some cavalry would be nice, yes, cavalry against trolls - that’ll get the punters in.
'Tis true that the prices for the best arena seats are high, but only because the entertainment is so good. But there’s plenty of cheap space up in the Gods!
Argeleb,
Surely you jest. Saying that you are winning in Angmar and thinking that you’ll get my purse (I mean, your daughter) back, not only is it not happening, but it will NEVER HAPPEN.
You must be eating those mushrooms that grow in the cow pens.
Khamulia
Hey Argeleb,
from what are you dreaming at night ?
Oh yes, I forgot, you’re dreaming about conquering Angmar and to get back the demonic handbag, former known as your daughter.
May be I can fullfill your second dream !
I’ve got some really similar handbags.
( You must know that I’m selling them as souvenirs at Mordor and that since the time Khamulia has become so famous, the people become fanatic only for the reason to get one of this handbags. )
You only have to wipe out the letters MADE IN CHINA and you’ll have back your daughter !
What do you think ?
Your nation won’t realize it !
After all they’ve listened long enough to your intellectual emissions that they’re stupid enough to blieve it .
I wish you some better dreams for the future !
I’m sure that if you’re dreaming of your peace and the warm sun shining on your body, we can do much more for you than in the case of Angmar.
Some greetings to " uncle HO ", the speaking nag of Eothraim and please don’t run away only for the reason I’ve pricked you a little bit.
Always yours, Urzahil
<< Enters messenger with dispatch in hand & hesitantly approaches the podium >>
Greetings all of Middle Earth, I , Bondan of Arthedain do bring word from Argeleb of our great nation unto you all. Please don’t kill the messenger…
Ahem, < clears throat & reads message >>
I have heard that my words have yet again been scoffed at, ridiculed, & misused by the servants of the dark. Let it be known that the heroes of Arthedain do sacrifice to protect their lands & loved ones from the evils of Sauron & his vassels. These words I say unto those gathered here…
Ren, do not mistake tactical manuevering for retreat. Arfanhil once thought so. I beleive he is learning the error of his ways these days.Imladris shall remain free for the rest of this war. I shall bring you my cavalry soon & the machines of war as well. Your walls are not as tall either.
Khamulia, you wily seamstress. How dare you peak at my mushroom patch. First you steal my daughter & now you covet my mushrooms. Theif!! Surrender Princess Fiona … I mean the Handbag of Death!!! She was once a good girl until led astray by the evils of the mushrooms grown in Angmar.
Urzahil, I sleep well at night knowing that soon Angmar shall be free again & I will soon move to fight the evils of Mordor. ( I’ll also take 2 handbags, in a light brown if you will, that was the color of Fiona’s eyes ).
In closing, Servants of the Eye, know that the Great Nation of Arthedain & it’s people will fight this war without pause until the lands of Middle Earth are Free & their handbag restored to her rightful place by her father’s side ( or shoulder, whichever is comfortable & in fashion this season ). As a token of my resolve you may kill the messenger.
Argeleb of Arthedain
<< messenger drops letter with fearful look & flees the Forum >>
gasp!
Run away? Tut-tut… I merely had to take a moment away from our games. I apologize dearly, Master Urzahil. It seems there was a peasant uprising in one of our fine towns that needs to be put down immediately. They apparently heard rumors that some ancient tribes went to Helm’s Deep for some grand battle, and some lousy White-Robed wizard was there. Frankly, I think Gandalf is retired and only signing autographs and copies of his latest book, “To Hell and Back - It wasn’t the destination But the Journey.” I’ve read it - don’t waste YOUR time too.
Elrond has taken up writing as well - it’s no wonder that we haven’t seen him in the battles of late. The inkstains on his slender hands are testament to his newfound hobby. His latest, “Breaking the Ice” was popular on the other side of the mountains, but alas, most of the peoples of Rhovanion are illiterate and choose to consult bones rather than books. Fortunately, thanks to you and your canine friend, there’s been no lack of those.
How much for one of those Handbags, by the way? My dear friend Bain was asking about one for his wife.
Lastly, if you could, please direct your attention to the elves. I know the Nazgul aren’t picky as a rule when devouring flesh, pilaging towns, etc etc… but I mean REALLY… NOone likes elves. Although I’ve heard that with the right recipe, a nice Noldo Flambe can be made in relatively little time and a Sindar Sauce accompanies it nicely. Mind you, that’s only a rumor that one of our emmissaries picked up, but I like to help where I can.
I look forward to returning from this minor inconvenience (the peasants) and to playing with you all again soon.
Yours Truly,
Mahrcared
Greetings Argeleb, greetings Mahrcared,
Argeleb don’t fear about Bondan, I won’t kill a messenger who is already dead.
By the way, where you learned to resurrect him ?
I would give you the two handbags, two fillings for the bags and one extra handbag for the family-album only for one resurrection-spell , for sure you can choose the colour of the bags, isn’t that generous ?
Now back to the theme and at this point I must tell you that it isn’t really funny to “play” with zombies, they won’t scream or/and roll with their eyes while playing with them.
All in all playing with zombies would be boring and I hate boring games. I prefer to look for some targets which are still worth to play with.
I’ve got the impression that we’ve already talked about your head ?
Please consider the advantages you would have without it,
for example you will have these nightmares about Angmar and your daughter or better handbag never again and further on you haven’t to brush your teeth before going to bed nomore.
Also the question of a fitting helmet or hat is answered forever.
What do you think ?
Mahrcared, I’m sorry at the moment I don’t have enough handbags of top quality. I can offer you some bags of second quality instead, there are only some more knife thrusts in it.
What do you think ?
Unfortunately, I can’t offer you a bag for your friend Bean, a dwarf I guess.
The grips of the bag are too long for dwarves, the bag would always drag on the ground !
I suggest to buy a trolly or something like that, but in this case you better should take a look into suitcase-shop.
Always Yours, Urzahil
My friend Urzahil said it all, ya’ll don’t need your heads, ya’ll haven’t used them yet anyway. Let’s see, Argeleb, I could empty yours out and use it to store my lipstick, it would just barely fit in there.
What do ya’ll think?
Khamulia
Hhmm,
posting your lipstics in it ?
I have planned to place it into my glass cabinet.
But I agree, posting your lipstics in it would be much more than what filled this head before.
Urzahil
Urzahil,
I only have one lipstick (it’s bright red, the color of blood). Even so, one lipstick will more than take up the space that is vacant.
Khamulia
Khamulia,
only one ??
You’re not hip !!
Don’t you know that a brutal-pink is the colour of the months ?
Nevertheless, for only one lipstic I’ll prefer to post the head in my glass cabinet and I’ll pose a candle inside so I don’t need to look for a new “Jack-O-Lantern” for next Halloween.
Urzahil
Hi Khamulia,
it’s me once again.
One advantage of the new bulletin-board is that we can see how many people are reading this stuff.
I’m sure that some Free, Neutrals and DS of these game are reading it and also some other ?
So why not posting ?
Urzagixxer
Dearest Urzagixxer,
Thank you kindly for your insightful thoughts regarding gifts for Bain. I'll be proceeding to the nearest "suitcase shop" at my earliest opportunity... just as soon as I put down the peasant revolt in my lands. But I'm sure such things don't draw your attention, so I'll move on.
I was over in Mirkwood today, doing a bit of shopping. I was in a cosmetics shoppe looking to find some new and exciting colours for Dear Khamulia. They had Chaos Black, Petrified Grey, and a delightful Putrescent Green. But lo, when I went to make the purchase, the vendor told me my card had been overdrawn at the bank! I looked into the matter and discovered that either the IRS or some dark side Agents had been holding up banks in our towns! Can you believe that? I hastilly pulled out my Dunedain Express Card (I never leave home without it! ) and am pleased to say that the cosmetics will be arriving at Dol Goldur within 6-8 weeks. I hope she likes them!
In other news, rumors from the west say that the Rhudaur soiled his pants when Murazor arrived for tea. He didn't have any honey (Murazor loves honey, I hear) and rather than upset the Witch King any more, simply turned over his estate to him. Supposedly he is now one of Murazor's lackeys. Are the rumors true? I would have gladly purchased and sent some honey to him in the past months had I known it would come to that! (Assuming the IRS didn't pull that account too! )
Anyway - I ramble on. Happy Spring to you and yours.
Mahrcared.
Urzagixxer,
Did you see how nice that Mahrcared is? He’s bought me make-up. Now, my sweet hubby, Sauron, says that I don’t need it, but I do so love a bit of the lipstick, and now I’ll have many colors. Mahrcared, I’ll save one just for you. I’ll only wear it when I’m pilaging your pop centers! Is that special, or what? And when I come for you…
Urzagixxer, obviously, Mahrcared has too much time and money. Perhaps we should alleviate this problem. I know it must of been an oversight on our part.
Khamulia
She with the new lipsticks.
You know… you do something nice for someone… sighs There’s just no pleasing some people.
gets out a quill and parchment and begins to write
Khamulia,
Oh my sweet, sweet Nazgul-ette. You are the terror that flaps in the night. You are the sweet scent of death that raises a man’s heart rate. Your eyes are like deep pools of lava and your lips, like twin succulent pillows, longing for love. I don’t know WHY the other Nazgul haven’t snatched you up for themselves. And Sauron must be mad to let such a shapely wraith as yourself run free on the town. Doesn’t he know what covetous natures men possess? If not, then he is twice a fool - once for letting you run from his side and twice for letting you run to me. ALas, I could wait no longer for our courtship to commence. I need to feel the sweet touch of your painted lips soon! DO not make love wait, dearest death.
Your No-Longer-Secret Admirer,
Mahrcared.
Mahrcared,
Why, you know it wouldn’t work between us, after all, I’m already dead (as you will be soon). Besides, you wouldn’t like me after, because like the black widow spider, I’ll kill any mate not strong enough to stand up to me, and so far only my lord Sauron has been that strong. Also, I can’t stand the smell of horses, and you are the horse lord (or is that the donkey lord?).
Khamulia
She who everyone wants
But only Sauron can have
Bearer of the Purse of Death
Greetings Khamulia and Mahrcared,
Mahrcared, you’re telling stories about dark-sided-agents holding banks at your town, I can’t believe that !
You know we’re peaceloving and won’t do anything to annoy our beloved neighbours !
Maybe we’ve collected a tax for cleaning up the roads from the horse-**** ( and more ) your armies left behind.
Please be a little bit more carefull when you’re visiting Thuringwathost next time !
Khamulia,
if you don’t need the new lipstics and all the other stuff, please transfer it to Gothmog.
He told me that he want’s to try out some new ideas with body-painting.
I don’t know much about Gothmog’s idea but I think it would be a good way for our beloved Mahrcared to see how impressive his make-up could be.
Always yours, Urzahil
Greetings Warlords and -ladies,
the blood I’ve already tasted was red and warm ( and I can’t get enough from it ),
like the greetings to the Free-People, I want to send from here.
Take Care !
Jill Indur