PS If any of the Aussies in game 34 are reading this,
presumably you guys
will not bother sending your second turns but will be looking
to start a new
game <evil grins>. Get those tinnies cooled: we Dunadan folk get very
thirsty on maneuvres.Thomas! Wash your mouth out!! The Aussies in game 34 will
not get away
with it that easy. True, there not as bad as the evil Hun
(who were our
first opponents and who backed out when they knew who they were up
against), but the Aussies are almost as bad.Just think what they have given us....
Kylie Minogue and her less talented (if thats possible) sister?
Jason Donovan?
Angry Anderson (remember him)?
Men at Work?
Cricket humiliation?
Rugby whitewashes?
Mrs Mangle?
Fosters 'Ice'?
Barry Humphries and his alter egos?
Paul 'Crocodile Dundee' Hogan?
The 'Bush Tucker Man'?
Home and Away?
Neighbours?
Prisoner Cell Block H?Whats more they beat Manchester to the Olympics (not that we
had a chance,
but its something else to hold against them).And they want to dump the Queen (God Bless Her).
[Actually when I started this list I thought it would be
difficult to put
together, but it's suprisingly easy!!!]No. I'm sorry. Surrender is not an option. Only total and abject
humiliation of the Aussie side will satisfy me. I want them to go down
kicking and screaming, not giving up when they realise our
superiority.I
Diplomatic Kev
[If there are any Aussies on here (Mike Peters?) This rant is
just 'tongue
in cheek'. I have actually been to your country and enjoyed
it immensely.
Please don't mailbomb me? I love you all really!!!]
I can only assume that you lot have not really visted OZ (its easier for us
convicts to spell than australia). So I'm suppling you lot with a
description of my great country ...
ยทยทยท
*****
WE, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to
be recognised as a
free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
boong. We come from many
lands (although a few too many of us come from New
Zealand) and, although
we live in the best country in the world, we reserve
the right to bitch
and moan about it whenever we bloody like.We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who
didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo
turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand
final day and big horse races. Its capital
is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's
"liveable".
At least that's what they think. The rest of us think
it is too bloody cold and wet.Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts,
macchiato with sugar, thin
books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its
capital Sydney has
more queens than any other city in the world, and is
proud of it. Its
mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up
their cracks to
keep the left and right sides of their brains
separate.Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the
notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie,
everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring
smiles to the sternest
faces. It holds the world record for a single mass
shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a
festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of
innovation, where
else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults
and barrels as in
Snowton, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the
Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide
sent the Formula One
drivers to sleep at the wheel.Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be
relevant in this
document. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't
have daylight
saving because if it did all the men would get
erections on the bus on
the way to work. WA was the last state to stop
importing convicts, and
many of them still work there in the government and
business.The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land.
Outback plains, sheep
stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos,
emus, Ulurus and dusty
kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer
consumtion of anywhere
on the planet, and its creek beds have the highest
aluminium content of
anywhere too. Although the Territory is the
centrepiece of our national
culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to
fly over it on our
way to Bali.And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems
silly in a document
defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth
noting that God
probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with
dickheads remains a mystery.Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The least said the
better.We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific
Highway, whose
treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year
than die by murder.
We are united in our lust for international
recognition, so desperate for
praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt
IOC officials tells
us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a
democracy so flawed
that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting
one, can get a million
votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament
while bloody Brian
Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole
country. Not that we're
whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase,"she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and
"Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if
it's about a
sheep-stealing
crim who commits suicide).We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the
death toll from a sailing
race and still tell us who's winning in the
same breath. And we're the best in the world at all
the sports that count,
like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting,
two-up and horse racing.We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the
blackest aboriginies
and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.
We don't know much
about art but we know we hate the poofs who make it.We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by
lunchtime. And even
though we might seem a racist, closed-minded,
sports-obsessed little
people, at least we're better than the Kiwis.Now bugger off.
******
ps. the joke about SA and a bank vault was when a sicko group bought a empty
bank in the country (as so many are being sold its pretty cheap to do). The
group then killed their own who disagreed with the group's decisions, and
put the remains in acid baths in the vault. With friends like them, who
needs enemies ?
And the party that got a million votes but no seats was 'one nation'. Led by
a single women who used to work in a fish-and-chips shops, it appealed to
the common folk (ie it said politicans are crooks with too many perks,
illegial immigrants get better treatment than our own school children, they
wanted the death penalty, and whatever other popular idea they can think
so). The only violence was against them. I actually liked the hacking of
their computer system and printing in a jewish magazine of the names and
addresses of all its members (of course a small apology was made AFTER the
release). The jews felt the party was racist (as it was very pro-australia),
and i'm sure it scared off more members from joining.
And no, I didn't vote for them, I felt they were too stupid to run the
nation so I put them last. But its treatment was a crime to democracy. But
it did sell lots of papers, so murdoch was very happy.
And of course after the election they had to fight for their election
funding in a protest (down here we have a strange system that pays parties
based on how many votes they get - it keeps the major parties cashed up and
the minor parties out). And the police recently raided their offices and
took away stuff (still no idea why).
Someones it doesn't pay to rock the boat. The party is now dead and buried.
And harridine (now retired) did run the nation. In a hung senate, his
independant vote was critical to the government passing bills. To his
credit, Harridine was very honest (just very old fashion). In all his
dealing he ALWAYS ensured the state who elected him got the best deal
possible for his vote. Tassie (need I saw more ?), should put up a statue to
him.
:-)))
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