If there is gold in a town at the 690 to be stolen, I think my army commander should send some back to the capital when they Capture the same town the next turn. Have they been looting and keeping all the plunder this whole time? Either I get gold, or I want some new capital command orders: Recall Field Commander. Torture Traitor. How about Exterminate Characters Family - just for some added realism. Anyone want to pen the order results for those?
Brad
Shouldn’t it … nah I can’t type it… 
Well, this one isn’t about procuring some looted gold and trinkets, but it is a bit unique, and over the top…as usual.
In the sultry climate of the Shores of 3024, armies prepared for battle in evening during Octoberfest.
At the head of a sloshed army rode Warlord Jagermeister of the nation of the Firewater King. In his hand was a glowing bottle of Rumplemintz. The mount on which he rode teetered profusely as it stumbled to the center of the battle line. Behind him the forming ranks were filled with:
3500 Mixed Firewater King power drinkers w/ shotglasses and wooden tankards, puke stained armor of invincibility, stumbling ranks.
At the head of a gloriously inebriated army rode Captain Morgan of the nation of North Gondor. The mount on which he rode sashayed fluidly kinda towards the center of the battle line. Behind him the forming ranks were filled with:
500 Drunken Chariot Drivers w/ pocket flasks, forgotten armor, and long bathroom lines,
1250 Teetering Beer Guzzlers w/ carved flagons, leather lederhosen, an unruly mob
The Major Party-Town of Ozgiliath is situated on the shores here. It is fortified by a Bierhaus.
Report from Captain Morgan….
My commanders moved among the troops before battle, passing out more shots, singing pub songs, and making orders before Last Call. Finally, the order was heard coursing through the ranks. Charge it!! Charge it!! Put the bill on the bosses VISA card!! They met our charge with one of their own. However, their credit card was declined. They had to use all their cash. Off to the side the Wizard of Oz gestured an incantation. Suddenly the army gained in confidence due to Liquid Courage.
After the battle had joined in earnest, heroes made their presence known all over the battlefield. Jagermeister rode into the enemy and cut down scores of them with his glowing bottle of Rumplemintz. Captain Morgan diverted many an enemy blade with his Spiced Rum.
Report from Captain Morgan…
Our cavalry were late to battle due to the long bathroom lines. The troops drank mightily but could have had better mixers. They drank as if uninspired. Although we drank hard we were finally overcome after a long binge when the enemy brought forth its most dangerous weapon, Red Hot shots. Commanders on the scene were ordered to salvage what they could. In the carnage they found:
4 tuns of Spiced Rum
10 kegs of English Lager
The battle for the Ozgiliath was over before it even began. The attackers were so plastered and bulletproof it was over in just a few hours. It was then followed by a Heavy Metal Festival featuring Ozzie Osbourn and Metallica. The Major Town of Ozgiliath has been reduced to a town. The bierhaus was unharmed. All potent potables have been confiscated….
99.137%. Missing rye and AC/DC is all.
b
Very nice…
Very funny 
gotta like that…
I wish I could teach my students to take what was already a great couple paragraphs of showing - not telling - and change it to this masterpiece.
I soar in my heart John!
And yes Brad - we should recoop some money but in games I’ve played before you get more money (from looting) when you take a few turns to raze the pc to the ground - worse loyalties too :))