We the Dark Servants have developed a business plan for the abdication of power by the so-called Free Peoples and transfer of dominion over Middle Earth to mighty Sauron, his lord Nazgul and minions. The business plan has been through exhaustive review and is beginning phase I implementation now. Of course no business plan can ever be complete, and it will likely be necessary to update the document as our plan progresses and victories unfold before us. Nevertheless, we do appreciate the Free People’s plight and will be most willing to accept early surrender by any Free nation with the wisdom and foresight to early-on accept the inevitability of defeat. Mighty Sauron will look upon the leaders of any surrendering Free nation with favor and shall grant an ambassadorship (great benefits & relocation paid) as recognition.
With corporate governance and transparancy so much on the public’s mind these days, we are pleased to assure you that our board is composed almost entirely of those that were formerly living. Additionally, we want to assure the public that although nine board members might be viewed as insiders by some, that we have brought in 3 outside board members to ensure that actions that might be conflicts of interest are well understood, agreed to quickly, and acted upon immediately! Finally, we are pleased to report to the VCs who so wisely invested in our business plan that we are on schedule, on plan, and under budget!
Reported by Hoarmurath, CFO & VP IR, Dark Servants
Financials audited by Mordor Partners, LLC
Full report available for public review at our offices, Mt. Doom (closed tuesday afternoons - for golf)
Hhmmm. . . Sounds like a hostile take-over plan. But then, all plans fall apart as soon as they meet the implementation phase. This was no different, better start rewriting.
Before your revised plans can even be brought into the “United Council of Light”, some misunderstandings need to be addressed:
We expect & demand full compliance to our ennvironmental laws.
Proper usage fees for roads and other infrastucture shall be submitted.
Other regulations available for a nominal cover charge.
Also, your petition did not abide by the customary submission protocol, therefore it must be rejected.
Hoamurath,
your offer has been rejected we are not going to be taken over by a Mickey Mouse operation like yours and you can take my word directly to Mickey himself
We are sorry to report that your messenger (who had the misfortune to deliver the above tidings) has met with an industrial accident. I’m going to categorize it as “warg training mishap”. As CFO and VP IR, it is my solemn duty to inform the “United Council of Light” that there will be no customary submission protocols, and that you can have your messenger’s broken bones back after the wargs are through with their meal. We’ll dump them in a bag in Osgiliath. I do agree that “Hostile Takeover” is a fantastic soundbite and that it will motivate our troops. We’ll adopt it as the tag line for our campaign.
Regarding usage fees for roads, my Lord Sauron approves of the idea and will begin to impose appropriate usage fees immediately. What a fabulous idea to come from your council! Perhaps we shall keep the “Council” around to help with regulations and laws to suitably suppress the population. I hadn’t considered that there might be residual value to your Council. But it seems that you are already moving well ahead of schedule to that of our business plan. Suppressing the populace was a Phase IV schedule item. Splendid! Please send details on the “other regulations.”
And, beg my pardon, but just what exactly is an “ennvironmental law”? We just don’t seem to have those here in Mordor. I can’t for the (past) life of me think of why we’d want to preserve those in your lands either. They don’t seem to suppress the populace or strike fear into hearts. bah.
Regarding progress-to-plan: I’m happy to report that things do seem to be progressing quite nicely. Again, on-schedule, per-plan, and under budget.
Reporting for the Nine, (er, I mean 12 - with deference to this corporate governance stuff),
Hoarmurath
CFO & VP IR, Dark Servants
(seeking new auditors. Apply in person at Durthang. no resume required)
We, the Khazad, have a proposition for you: give us women, and we won’t burn your stinking, filthy Orc hovels. It’s real simple, there isn’t enough Dwarf women, and besides, they’re BEARDED for Aule’s sake!
No Orc or Troll wenches please, they have hygenic issues we just can’t ignore. Some wicked, hot, vampire-Goth looking, human domantrix’s is what we want! Whip me, beat me, make me write bad checks!
Hey midgets need to get their freak on too…
Bain
Boss Bearded Bastard,
Stunty Runts
P.S. Nice to see Dave and Scott on the other side, always fun to play against great competetion, who can give and take a joke. Good luck, but please, try to lose anyway.
OK. Deal! We shall deliver six wagon-loads of wicked, hot vampire-Goth looking, human domantrix’s for the dwarven lords. We assume you’d like an assortment of brunette, redhead, and blonde? Note that these are not for the faint of heart. They have been trained in central Mordor and are quite expert at their techniques.
So pull back all of those armies. NOW please…
Hoarmurath
speaking for the Dark Lieutenants(domanatrix trainers extraordinare)
(still looking for new auditors)
p.s. Chris - great to play with you again! now please be kind…
Hoarmurath looked up from the military reports as the messenger cowered on the floor, kneeling in front of the desk built from skulls and thighbones of the countless messengers before him.
“You disturb me?” glowered Hoarmurath
“Great Nazgul, the Dwarves and their allies reneged on their offer. They have pressed the assault.”
“Didn’t we send the six wagon-loads of Blond, Brunette, and Red-Haired Dominatrixs per their request?” belowed Hoarmurath.
“Great One, they claim that the ommission of Black Haired Dominatrixs from the selection voids the agreement” quivered the messenger.
Hoarmurath paused. A deep chuckle rattled his rib cage and came forth as a sound so sinister that the messenger fainted. “It is as I would have done. Yes, it is well done indeed. These dwarves and these bureaucrats of the so called Free – they will serve My Lord Sauron nicely. They already follow his teachings and spread his will under the guise of their so-called ‘freedom’.” The chuckle became a full-blown roar of hideous laughter.
Hoarmurath hastened away to inform the others of the Nine, ignoring the lucky messenger’s prone figure on the floor. The Free were hard at work, already laying the foundations for Lord Sauron’s rule. The business plan was working out perfectly.
Oh, but first he must stop off to see some of those black-haired dominatrixs that he had personally removed from the dwarf-bound wagon train. yes, the rest of the Nine could wait…
We reneged on the deal??? You sent us Orcs!!! Sure, they were blonde. brunette and redheads, but they’re still pig-women! Aside for a couple of extremely hard-up Dwarves who enjoy their “women” hairy, meaner, and more unhygenic than they are, will be sending back your contraband. What were we thinking, dealing with the Slaves of Sauron?!?
Therefore, we’ve decided to do our duty as Free, and eradicate you from Middle-Earth. No hard feelings, huh?
Fulla tried his best “I’ll huff and I’ll puff” routine at Nahald Kudan, but the piggies there were unimpressed. Since when did the Nazgul become swine-herders? In any case, I’m sorely diappointed in Fulla; he’s likely to get the sack. It won’t happen again, as I indicated earlier, we’ll just have to have a pig roast at Nahald Kudan.
Dear Stunty one,
We have waited for you to return the Dominatrixs per your promise… And for some reason they haven’t yet shown up. Perhaps your “politically correct” aversion to orc women is only a feeble facade for the masses? My spies tell me that regular squeals, giggles, and other less presentable noises have been heard coming from the dwarven encampments where the Dominatrixs were delivered. It seems to me that your claim that we didn’t deliver our end of the bargain is well, a bit “overstated”. Since you’re continuing to enjoy the benefits of Mordor’s training, why not just give in! Join us in our quest. Work with us to help implement the Mordor Conquest & Victory Business Plan.
The elves have already signed up! Why shouldn’t the dwarves sign up as well?
Unfortunately, there is little for the DS to crow about as of yet in this contest. Kudos FP!
What I want to know is what cheat code you guys enter via MEOW or AutoMagic that negates the CL’s +20 K/A. jeesh! By the odds, there should be a whole heck of a lot more dead and hostage FP commanders by now. Only thing our agents seem capable of is stealing gold. Thank goodness for that!
I sure hope you don’t have cheat codes against all the other DS advantages (Dragons, etc). If so, we’re going to be toast much too quickly.
I’m going to send Hoarmurath back to business school. As is usually the case with business plans, Hoarmurath’s schedule was way too aggressive. We’re going to have to draw up Business Plan 2.0 for the Abdication of Power by the Free Peoples and the Domination of all of Middle Earth by the Servants of Sauron. Worse, I think we need a second round of funding and I HATE fundraising…
Better than fund raising, just ask the Blind Sorcerer to disband his army, I’m sure that all those troops are costing him a fortune in salaries and pension payments.
If he won’t I’m sure I can lighten his load for him.
<grin> well, it is nice to see 7000+ gold from a single theft. Thanks! Please keep those bank balances high! Nothing is more frustrating to our thieves than successfully breaking into the vault only to find a piddling amount of treasury. It is indeed a wonderful thing to realize that the lands we will eventually subjugate are so rich and ripe for the plundering.
Being enlightened and in the interests of preventing crime why dont you stop stealing and we just send you some gold and it makes the crime figures so much better.
Hmmm. the last offer by the Dwarves to pull back in exchange for a bevy of Mordor-trained dominatrix was, well, er, um, a BUST … so to speak
So I’m not sure that we’ll trust you and act first this time… You send the gold, then we’ll stop stealing. How’s that?
As to what we’ll offer for the cheat codes, why, we’ll offer the one ring! We won’t even go searching for it and will leave it to you. How’s that? What prize could be more valuable?
