Gm17 1650 grudge

General
#1

His excellency Celdrahil, ruler of the true Gondor, master of battle, minister of divine retribution and dispenser of justice has declared Orc season is officially open.
The vermin have reached plague proportions and the season is starting early this year with increased bag limits. The Gondorian official ‘head-counters’ are heading to Mordor early this year to help with the bag inspections and to stop false claims ie; two headed orcs are not worth twice as much, you’ve still only got to kill one body :wink:
Our parks and wild life service have informed me that the Elves and Dwarven nations have also opened the season early; so you better get in quick.

This community service message for the Long Live Cledrahil and Blessed Peoples Party (LLCBPP). Written and spoken by Adrian, sensechal to Cledrahil and left hand of the LLCBPP :smiley:

#2

“Baruk Khazâd! Khazâd aimênu! Axes of the Dwarves! The Dwarves are upon you!”

#3

Your excellency the dwarven ambassador is here. He has a message for you.

'Same as always then. Did he have anything new to say??

No sir only…

'It could mean anything… they say that to everything from; damn my beers warm

to oh look! Mt Doom has blown it’s gutz out

If only JRR had included more detailed dwarven speech, they wouldn’t be so one dimensional sir

'Oh well, the usual, say " Thanks for the information, tell your king that everything’s fine, goodbye." Then show him out before he makes a mess on the rug :wink:

Adrian

#4

“Baruk Khazâd! Khazâd aimênu!”

#5

Your majesty maybe if we offered him some shiny glass beads, he would take them and go away.

‘I don’t think so, just attract others. They’re like bloody stumpy, nasty bowerbirds. They love gold though… here, toss a coin out the cliff top window and see if he follows.’ :smiley:

About the impending Orc season sir, there’s disturbing news. Apparently the Harad have decided they are an endangered species and slapped a protection order on them. The Rhuad have decided that they are an excellent source of food and are hoarding them away. We’ll have to go through them to get to the breeding grounds, my leige.

‘Hmmm. Get my Hobbit poker, i’m going to ride the fences.’

Excuse me sir Hobbits are a protected species under the Arda convention.

‘Bloody Elves, think everything is worth protecting, so long as it’s funny. Let Darwin sort it out I say. Anyway, i wasn’t going to kill any, just slap them around and stop them interbreeding with my ferrets.’:eek:

As you say my leige. I’ll go and pack your valance and prepare for a country trip

Adrian

#6

‘I love these country trips, out burning country side, hunting the local wild life and doing general blokey stuff, eh seneschal.’

It’s very pleasant your magesty, but i wish you’d stop shooting at everything that moves, we havn’t come within miles of an Orc.

‘Just practicing, some of those peasants can dodge really well, and i do give all the survivors the royal handshake, a pat on the back and a uniform. Bloody boring trip eh what, any reports in?’

Well my leige, we have landed unopposed in Northern Harad.

‘You did warn them we were coming didn’t you??’

Yes sir. Well in advance. A navy has pulled into port after loitering off the coast for 9 days. The local militia and navy stayed put sir. It’s all very confusing. :confused:
No raiding into Corsair turf, the NW is very quiet. There is a small disturbance at ithil and osgiliath we could investigate. Vamag has burn’t it’s port out but not much else sir.

‘Jeez i hope this warms up a bit, i’d hate it all to be over before i got to fatally poke something. Maybe i should attack North Gondor just to make it fairer.’

I recommend heading straight at Mordor sir. At least there are some signs of activity.

‘I hope so. I wanna see my new ferbits at work.’

Ferbits sir??

‘Yeah, after i caught that last Hobbit interfering with my favourite ferret, i let her keep the litter. They are awesome, rip ya from leg hole to leg hole and eat everything in between. I though ferbits was a poignant name for them, here catch…’ :smiley:

Adrian

#7

‘Well seneschal, it’s one month into the season and we’ve still not killed one damned orc.’:frowning:

Don’t be too disheartened sir, our troops have burn’t a harad town, captured another and it looks good for this trend to continue.

‘No real battles then??’:mad:

No sir, we just surrounded one place and burn’t it to the ground and the other place handed over the keys to the town stating they’d never even seen an orc and wern’t going to die defending one.:stuck_out_tongue:

‘Bloody realists, take all the fun out of fighting. We couldn’t just execute them all for fun could we.’:rolleyes:

Unfortunately sir, it’s a gold producer and worth the effort of no troop losses to gain control. And i hasten to add sir, they are now amongst our loyalest citizens. The gold is nice and it stops the motherless Haradrim propping up their neighbours economies.:smiley:

‘If people don’t start dying in mentionable numbers i’m going home to sulk’.

#8

Well sir, news in. Captured another Harad town and a load of pops on the menu. North Harad gone this fortnight, gotta hurt the orc lovin camel jockeys sir :smiley:

‘Oh well, done here i’ll have to head north, i hear one of our small armies is in a bit of bother’

Unfortunately, like a mouse aginst a road train sir. Not going to be pretty

‘Oh well, lets go avenge their deaths then, tally ho and all that stuff’

And the steam roller rolls ever onwards :wink:

Adrian

#9

Commander Bornbenor surveyed the walls of Mt Gundabad from the nearest hillock. “Hmmm gunna be tough gettin them bugger’s outa there!” He commented to his newly appointed man servant, Bruce. “They’re dug in tighta than a tick on a Wombats bum!” said the commander dryly. “Yes my Lord” replied Bruce reverently. “For Christ sake Bruce it’s Borny” swore the irritated commander. “Yes my Lord Borny.” stammered the nervous man servant. “Bloody class system,” muttered the flustered commander to himself. “I’m not your Lord, I don’t own you, you just work for me, other than that we are the same, we are equals!” he tried to explain to the now kneeling man servant. “Yes my lord Borny, whatever you say my Lord!!!” cried the now prostrate man servant. “For f%$&* sake, it’s not whatever I say, you have a free will, you are your own person!!! and get up off that bloody floor.” “Bloody floor my lord Borny?” enquired Bruce rising from the floor, “I see no blood my Lord?" said Bruce in a perplexed manor. “It will be bloody if you keep that My Lord cr@p up!” said Bornbenor to himself. “Bugger me but I need a beer while I work this one out, grab us a couple of VB’s will you Bruce mate and get a couple for yourself.” said the commander warming to his task. “Yes my Lord I will bring you some ale.” said Bruce leaving the room happy to be able to perform a task for his master. “Its gunna be a bloody long war dealing with this sh!t!" groaned Bornbenor. “Those bloody Aristocrats have got a lot to answer for.” he cursed as he went Looking for his beers. “Bruce you better break out the Bundy Rum as well, I’m gunna need it!” :smiley:

#10

“Baruk Khazâd! Khazâd aimênu!”

#11

Bloody Stumpies, can never make out a word they are saying but they are Bloody good drinking partners! :smiley:

#12

Just cause you can put a lager on their head and get them to…doesn’t mean they are worth the aggravation of a one-line nation.

I wish you a Gundagood time :wink: me shaggy mate.

Adrian

#13

Reports to hand sir, mixed news.

"spit it out then:mad: "

On the good. We knocked over two towns and of course the nice job you’ve done on this now little place sir.

“stop the licking and keep going seneschal”

Of course sir. Weeeellll… North Gondor also knocked over a major town and burnt a town and the Corsairs trashed a town too sir. Leaves us short of stuff to set fire to sir. errr sorry?? :o

“The blaggards, impudent swine. Well on with it”

OK sir outside Harad…

"What…all that Harad. Two m/ts, four towns in one fortnight…:eek: "

And i believe a camp degraded to dust before we could help sir :wink:

Next sir…Camlins’ boyscouts got trashed sir, up near osgiliath on a sight seeing tour.

“Any survivors??”

The commander survived sir… Camlin is OK

“I see what you mean about mixed news… Give him another couple of men at arms and see if he can do better”

Like you sir??? massive forces over running undefended pops???

“Are you being funny seneschal??”":mad:

Not deliberately sir, just trying to draw comparisons so i can explain the orders to him:confused:

“OK for the dummies. Recruit charge kill and/or die repeat until opponents run out. In the meantime, pack my horse up, we’re outta here.
Now… QA or Mordor???
Id love to go scrag the witch of the south, since the bloody elves won’t let me within 20 hexes of Galadriel, or the urinal she spends her hours gazing into”

Faintly in the distance the Harad nation can be heard, gasping it’s last breathes…:smiley:

#14

well your majesty we’ve found a fight

“well done seneschal…errr where the hell are we???”:confused:

South harad sir. Well technically it’s corsair turf but there some good fights to be had down here.

" I’ve had to come to the ass end of the middle earth to find a fight???"

Well, we didn’t warn them we were coming and since they’ve now pulled down all their ports we’ve come around the back and snuck up before they can run away.

'Harad troops??"

No sir, real orcs:D QA style sir, you can finally have at her sir. We’d better be quick though before they run away.

“Excellent a BBQ on the beach. Fetch me my thongs, my bucket and spade, i don’t wanna be late and miss the fun”

Which thong your majesty, displaying your feet or your jewels???

“I said thongssss you dolt, get me both. The bright green, upper thong thingy and the nice, thick, pink, fluffy beachcombers for me feet. I’ve got a sore butt from the saddle and sore feet from my cav boots”

But sir, we’ve been at sea???

"Yes… but a King always rides to combat…it’s a dignity and leadership thing that you peasants tend not to understand.

Adrian

PS: some serious butt slappin comin right up for the DS. I’d feel sorry for you if it wasn’t me with the boots on :smiley:

anyone else out there, this is gettin to be a blog

#15

If only Kewell had kicked that goal like he should have in the 57th minute.

Now the DS must pay with their lives.

#16

Well I’ve been dropping the occasional message in but you have been waffling on a bit. None of our German buddies seem keen to post. We will just have to taunt them a second time, or is it a third or eigth time. I’ve lost count. :confused:

Regards Herman

#17

Sports report from Dave and The armchair General.

“Well Dave it’s been an exciting week in MEPBM in the Middle-Earth Cup, we have the rematch of the round. Last time these two met it was a close run thing but you had to admit the Witch King deserved his 3536 to 2400 win over the Woodies.”

“Your right General, it was an emphatic win to the Witch King, a great defensive display by the super sub Murazor. It was a brilliant opening move bringing himself on. It caught the Woodies totally unprepared.”

" Yep Dave they were caught napping alright, Murazor was a massive defensive shield around the Witch King goal. The Woodies had no means of getting past his force field like defences."

“Ahh General that’s because it was a force field of defence. Bernbeneor had been forced to leave the only effective Woodman mage out of the side as he had been traded to Sinda City for the match at DolG this week, an important omission in my oppinion.”

" Ahh he wasn’t missed Dave, he does party tricks at best. No match for the colossus that is Murazor. So Dave how do you see this weeks game going?"

" Should be a rout General, Ashdubuk has a severely depleted side after the last game, his player list was cut to ribbons."

“A lot of injuries Dave?”

" Well you might say General, his players were literally cut to ribbons. The Woodies attacks were fairly ferocious, if in the end ineffective to the result. Should be a different story this week."

" I look forward to it Dave, it should bring the house down"

:cool: Let’s hope so!

Regards Schultzy

#18

‘Hows our war going seneschal fill me in’

Our war is going very well my leige, other peoples wars are getting a bit bogged down but we are travelling nicely :stuck_out_tongue:
Our recent investments in Harad are paying off nicely and new QA acquisitions
should offset our massive staffing costs. We should be laying off a few staff to take more competitor market share.

‘Are you a bloody accountant as well seneschal.’

It’s a hobby sir. To explain it for the low brow sire…we are kickin:D

Adrian

#19

sir, good news to hand.

“well out with it or do i have to extract it from you.”

No my leige. We’ve found the nazgul witch melord.

“What here, where…”

She’s the one on the fell beast, hiding in amongst the Vamag defenses.

"WHAAAT. Is that it…, i travelled halfway across middle earth for this… I feel sorry for her:o
Almost… :stuck_out_tongue:
Oh well, raise the standards and charge. This is gonna be fun. Burn the Witch. Burn the Witch…etc

Adrian. Feeeeelin gooood. :smiley:

#20

As hosts of tweed clad horseman and footmen form in precision ranks either side of their very dapper commanders one looks up towards the walls of Vamag and most dashingly cries ‘FORE’ before smacking a small round object over the walls and sending it bouncing towards the citadel.

A slightly less dashing commander steps up the the tee and says. 'Nice shot yor majesty. A par five would you think??

‘Works for me. Nice idea having this golfing tournament senschal’.

Nice easy hole to start your majesty. The Vamag pin. Next hole to sukh akhor is all bunker sire with a few nasty locals to interfere with the ball. Speaking of balls sir, did my idea work??

“Indeed it did, mumakil testicals, hard, tough and fly a treat. I also like my new golfing bag, warm fuzzy and a good quality leather”

Well sire since i had the idea for the balls at hand, i thought we could use the container, we cut them out of. You know waste not want not:D

In the back ground there is a second cry of ‘FORE’ and the gondoran ranks start racing neatly forward, ball clothes in hand, to secure the commander’s balls.

Adrian